I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist when early in the morning I received a call from his office: I had been rescheduled for early that morning at 9:30AM.

I had just packed everyone off to work and school and it was around 8:45.

The trip to his office usually took about 35 minutes so I didn't have any time to spare.

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut
right in front of a pickup truck causing him to have to drive on
to the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the
driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and flipped the
woman off.

"Man, that guy is stupid" I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely
and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me
in traffic and here's why:

I drive 48 miles each way every day to work, that's 96 miles each

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another
40 years, 2 months and 8 days to live,"

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come
in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live,
she figured she might as well make the most of it.

BEHIND EVERY SUCCESSFUL WOMAN IS HERSELF

OH MY GOSH, I THINK I'M BECOMING THE MAN I WANTED TO MARRY!

GINGER ROGERS DID EVERYTHING FRED ASTAIRE DID, BUT SHE DID IT
BACKWARDS AND IN HIGH HEELS

A WOMAN IS LIKE A TEA BAG...YOU DON'T KNOW HOW STRONG
SHE IS UNTIL YOU PUT HER IN HOT WATER

I HAVE YET TO HEAR A MAN ASK FOR ADVICE ON HOW TO
COMBINE MARRIAGE AND A CAREER

SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME

COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN . SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH

DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN

I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND I HAVE A GUN

GOTTA PEE

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out.
Both were very faithful and loving wives, however
They had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi
Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to
Pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so
She thought she would take off her panties and use
Them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive
Pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.

She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave
that had a wreath with a ribbon on it,

A feisty 70-year-old woman had to call a furnace repairman. After
a quick inspection the man put some oil into the motor and handed
her a $70 bill for labor.

"Labor charges!" she exclaimed. "It only took you five minutes."

The repairman explained that his company had a minimum one-hour
charge on every house call.

"Well, I want my remaining 55 minutes of labor," the lady responded,
and she handed him a rake. The repairman spent the next 55 minutes
in her yard bagging leaves.

In prison, you get three square meals a day.

At home, you cook three square meals a day and try to get your
kids to eat it.

In prison, you get an hour each day in the yard to exercise and
mingle.

At home you get to clean the yard up so you can mow it so your
kids can spread more toys all over it so that you can go out
and clean it again because little Jr. can't sleep without his
latest lego creation.

In prison, you get to watch TV, cable even.

At home, you get to listen to your children fight over the remote

Oil Change instructions for Women:

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last
oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained
vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $1.00
Total $21.00

Oil Change instructions for Men:

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil,
filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for
$50.00..
2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20....00, drive
home.

God: Men, what car you get in Heaven will depend on how faithful
you were to your wives on Earth.

Man 1: Please God, I can't count how many times I cheated on my
wife. There were just too many beautiful women on Earth, and I
had to have them all.

God: I am ashamed of you, my man, For that, I give you a run-down
truck that barely moves.

Man 2: Dear God, please forgive me! I cheated on my wife once,
just once! We were going through problems and I took the wrong
turn. Please forgive me!

God: My man, I am ashmed of you too. But I will be kinder to you.

Two older women, Coleen and Melinda, who were rivals in a social
circle met at a Christmas party at their country club.

"My dear," said Melinda, "Are those real pearls?"

"They are," replied Coleen.

"Of course the only way I could tell would be for me to bite them,"
smiled Melinda.

Coleen responded, "Yes, but for that you would need real teeth."