At my granddaughter's wedding, the DJ polled the guests to see who had been married longest. It turned out to be my husband and I. The DJ asked us, "What advice would you give to the newly-married couple?"

I said, "The three most important words in a marriage are, 'You're probably right.'"

Everyone then looked at my husband. He said, "She's probably right."

Pastor Abdul was teaching his Sunday school class.
He asked the class, "If I sold my house and my car,
had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the
church, would that get me into Heaven?"

"NO!" the children all answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard,
and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me
into Heaven?" The Pastor continued.

Again, the answer was, "NO!"

"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy
to all the children, and loved my wife, would that
get me into Heaven?" Pastor Abdul again asked.

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't
plugged in.

3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me.
Good job!

5. Are You Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to
be a police officer.

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a
warning, too!

1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.

2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

3. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried
before.

4. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

5. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

6. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.

7. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

8. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

* Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days
you're the statue.

* I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day.
Tomorrow isn't looking good either.

* Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and
I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"

* On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.