"Everyone has feelings, except for snakes and principals." - Donna Maria G, age 9

"Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and the world laughs at you." - Rob P, age 8

"If life gives you nothing but lemons, make up a better shopping list for it." - Steven B, age 8

"Moses came down with the Ten Amendments, which were God's Bill of Wrongs." - Susie F., age 7

"Doctors automatically know what's wrong with you. They have a sick sense." - Beau M., age 10

"My dog had worms. I think he was going fishing." - Emma B., age 4

A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear. No car
was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back. The sentry said, “Halt, who goes there?”

The chauffeur, a corporal, says, “General Wheeler.”

“I’m sorry, I can’t let you through. You’ve got to have a sticker on the windshield.”
The general said, “Drive on!”

The sentry said, “Hold it! You really can’t come through. I have orders to shoot if you
try driving in without a sticker.”

One of my husband's duties as a novice drill instructor at Fort Jackson, S.C., was to escort new recruits to the mess hall. After everyone had made it through the chow line, he sat them down and told them, "There are three rules in this mess hall: Shut up! Eat up! Get up!"

Checking to see that he had everyone's attention, he asked, "What is the first rule?" Much to the amusement of the other instructors, 60 privates yelled in unison, "Shut up, Drill Sergeant!"

A young couple got married and went away on their honeymoon. After two weeks they came back and finally put away all of the presents they received from friends and family. Since this was a new home, the process took some time.

A week later, they received in the mail two tickets for a popular show where tickets were impossible to get. They were very excited and warmed by the gesture of the person who sent this. Inside the envelope, however, was only a small piece of paper with a single line, "From...guess who?"

(only a man would do this)
(Gals - you have got to read the whole thing if you can keep the tears out of your eyes)

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd Anniversary, and I was looking for a little something "extra" for my wife.

A duck goes into a bar, and asks the bartender, "Got lunch?"
The bartender replies, "We don't serve lunch in here."
The duck leaves.

Next day, the same duck goes into the same bar, and asks the bartender, "Got lunch?"
The bartender, looking stern, replies, "Look, I told you yesterday we don't serve lunch in here. I'm telling you today, we DO NOT serve lunch here. If you ask me again, I'm going to nail your webbed feet to the bar. Now leave!"

Next day, the same duck goes into the same bar, and asks the bartender, "Got nails?"
The bartender replies, "No, we don't have any nails."

An obnoxious drunk in a bar keeps hitting on an a lesbian waiting for her
date. The drunk just won't take no for an answer.

"Tell you what, I'll sleep with you if you can name one thing a man can do
for me that my vibrator can't!" the lesbian smirks.

The obnoxious drunk thinks for a moment. "Okay, let's see your vibrator buy
the next round of drinks!"

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law.„I love
my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family, said the man. To show
you how much we care for you, I‚m making you a 50-50 partner in my business.
All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations

The son-in-law interrupted. I hate factories. I can't stand the noise.

I see replied the father-in-law. „Well then you'll work in the office and
take charge of some of the operations.

I hate office work, said the son-on-law. I can't stand being stuck behind a

Al Capp, creator of the famous comic strip Lil Abner, was one day
invited to a university to give a lecture to the students. Before
he could begin speaking to the large group assembled in the auditorium,
an unkempt-looking student at the back shouted a vulgar word at him.
The word hung in the air as an uncomfortable silence lasted but a
moment... Capp, keeping his cool, quipped, "Now that you've given us
your name, what IS your question?"

At the Checkout counter of the discount department store where
I was a cashier, customers frequently asked me under what circumstances
items were returnable. One woman who came through my line must have
been aware of store policy. She pointed to the lacy red-and-black
negligee she was about to purchase. "May I bring this back if it
doesn't work?" she asked.