A motorcycle cop was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix...
The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the
patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest.
Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told
him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown
down enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of adhesive
tape, the ultra sticky kind... Written in large black letters was the

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want
to see.

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a
felony trial. It went like this:

Q: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A: No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the
description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q: Officer, who provided this description?
A: The officer who responded to the scene.

Q: A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called
offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A: Yes sir, with my life.

Q: WITH YOUR LIFE? Let me ask you this then officer -- do you have

Late one Friday night the policeman spotted
a man driving very erratically through the
streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over
and asked him if he had been drinking that
evening.

"Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so
me and the lads stopped by the pub where I
had six or seven pints. And then there was
something called "Happy Hour" and they served
these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I
had four or five o' those. Then I had to
drive me friend Mike home and O' course I
had to go in for a couple of Guiness;
couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't
plugged in.

3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me.
Good job!

5. Are You Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to
be a police officer.

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a
warning, too!

A couple of nuns who were nursing sisters had gone out to the
country to minister to an outpatient. On the way back they
were a few miles from home when they ran out of gas. They
were standing beside their car on the shoulder when a truck
approached.
Seeing ladies of the cloth in distress, the driver stopped to offer
his help. The nuns explained they needed some gas. The driver
of the truck said he would gladly drain some from his tank but
he didn't have a bucket or can.
One of the nuns dug out a clean bedpan and asked the driver if

"How long have you been driving without a tail light, buddy?"
demanded the policeman.

The driver jumped out, ran to the rear of his car, and gave a low
moan. His distress was so great that the cop was moved to ease
up on him a bit. "Aw, come now," he said, "you don't have to take
it so hard. It isn't that serious."

"It isn't?" cried the motorist. "What happened to my boat and
trailer?"

My dad was traveling down a Pennsylvania highway when
he came across a construction zone (imagine that
construction in PA!). He noticed a state trooper in his
rear view mirror so he slowed down to the 45MPH speed
limit in the zone.
Near the end of the construction area,he noticed a large
black object flying towards his vehicle. He felt a slight
bump and saw in his mirror that a large bird (possibly
a turkey or crow) had hit him and was bounced right
into the windshield of the state trooper.

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front
of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake,
was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me.
"Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked.
"It sure is," I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van.
Finally he said, "What'd he do?"

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was
interrupted by a little girl about six years old. Looking up and down
at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?"
"Yes," I answered and continued writing the report.
"My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that
right?"
"Yes, that's right," I told her.
"Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you
please tie my shoe?"