A couple was getting married, and it was only
three days before the wedding. The bride calls her mother with some bad news. "Mom," she says, "I just found out that my fiance's mother has bought the exact same dress as you to wear to the wedding."

The bride's mother thinks for a minute. "Don't worry," she tells her daughter. "I'll just go and buy another dress to wear to the ceremony."

"But mother," says the bride, "that dress cost a fortune. What will you do with it? It's such a waste not to use it."

"Who said I won't use it?" her mother asked.

Miss Jones had been giving her second-grade students a lesson on science. She had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron.

Now it was question time, and she asked, "My name begins with the letter 'M' and I pick up things. What am I?" A little boy on the front row proudly said, "You're a mother!"

My mother taught me LOGIC... "If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me."

My mother taught me MEDICINE... "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way."

My mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD... "If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!"

My mother taught me ESP... "Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know when you're cold?"

My mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE... "What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you...Don't talk back to me!"

A mother and her very young son were flying on Air New Zealand.

The little boy (who had been looking out the window) turned to his

mother and asked, 'If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have

baby cats, why don't big aeroplanes have baby aeroplanes?'

The mother, who could not think of an answer, told her son to ask
the stewardess. So the boy went down the aisle and asked the
stewardess.

The stewardess, who was very busy at the time, smiled and said,
'Did your mum tell you to ask me?'

The boy said, 'Yes, she did.'

I have five siblings, three sisters and two brothers.

One night I was chatting with my Mom about how she had changed as a
mother from the first child to the last.

She told me she had mellowed a lot over the years:

"When your oldest sister coughed or sneezed, I called the ambulance.

When your youngest brother swallowed a dime, I just told him it was
coming out of his allowance."

A young mother paying a visit to a doctor friend and his wife made no
attempt to restrain her five-year-old son, who was ransacking an
adjoining room. But finally, an extra loud clatter of bottles did prompt
her to say, "I hope, doctor, you don't mind Johnny being in there."

"No," said the doctor calmly, "He'll be quiet when he gets to the
poisons."

(Notes pinned to the pillow of a mother who has the flu by her meaning
husband.)

Monday A.M.
Dearest: Sleep late. Everything under control. Lunches packed. Kids
off to school. Menu for dinner planned. Your lunch is on a tray in
refrigerator: fruit cup, finger-sandwiches. Thermos of hot tea by
bedside. See you around six.

Tuesday A.M.
Honey: Sorry about the egg rack in the refrigerator.
Hope you got back to sleep. Did the kids tell you about the Coke I put
in the Thermoses? The school might call you on this. Dinner may be a

My sister had been ill, so I called to see how she was doing. My
ten-year-old niece answered the phone.

"Hello," she whispered.

"Hi, Honey. How's your mother doing?" I asked.

"She's sleeping," she answered, again in a whisper.

"Did she go to the doctor?" I asked.

"Yes. She got some medicine," my niece said softly.

"Well, don't wake her. Just tell her I called. What are you doing,
by the way?"

Again in a soft whisper, she answered, "Practicing my trumpet."

At one point during a game, the coach said to one of
his young players, "Do you understand what cooperation
is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded yes.

"Do you understand that what matters is whether we
win together as a team?" The little boy nodded yes.

"So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or
you are out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack
the umpire. Do you understand all that?" Again, the
boy nodded yes.

"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain
it to your mother."

A worried Mrs. Melchnik sprang to the telephone
when it rang and listened with relief to the kindly
voice in her ear.

"How are you, darling?" it said. "What kind of a
day are you having?"

"Oh, mother," said the housewife, breaking into bitter
tears, "I've had such a bad day. The baby won't eat
and the washing machine broke down. I haven't had
a chance to go shopping, and besides, I've just
sprained my ankle and I have to hobble around. On
top of that, the house is a mess and I'm supposed to
have two couples to dinner tonight."