As I was on the way home from a long and stressful day at the office, the car phone rang. It was my husband. "Will you be joining me in the whirlpool bath tonight?" he asked. "What a lovely way to spend an evening," I thought. I was about to tell him how considerate he was when he continued, "Because if you're not, I need to start adding more water to the tub."

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die.

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?" I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 180 in about 3 seconds." I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...

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A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing
up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of
arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the
wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs
downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the
next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says,"I'll
give you 800 dollars to drop that towel that you have on."
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and
stands naked in front of Bob.

Benny and Mark were at the bar chatting about how much their wives thought of
them. Mark said, "My wife, she thinks so much of me that she won't let me do any
work around the house. It's great!"
Not to be out done, Benny said, "That's nothing. My wife simply worships me..."

Confused Mark asked, "She worships you? C'mon, what makes you say that?"

"Easy. Every night she places a burnt offering before me."

There was a guy telling his friend that he and his wife had a
serious argument the night before. "But it ended," he said,
"when she came crawling to me on her hands and knees."

"What did she say?" asked the friend.

The husband replied, "She said, 'Come out from under that bed,
you coward!'"

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and
were giving each other the silent treatment.

The next week the man realized that he would need his wife
to wake him at 5.00am for an early flight to Sydney. Not
wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally
wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5.00am".

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was
9.00am, and that he had missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't
awakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed....

A grief-stricken man threw himself across the
grave and cried bitterly. "My life, how senseless
it is! How worthless is everything about me
because you are gone. If only you hadn't died,
if only fate had not been so cruel as to take
you from this world, how different everything
would have been."

A clergyman happened by and to soothe the man he
offered a prayer. Afterward he said, "I assume the
person lying beneath this mound of earth was
someone of great importance to you."

"Importance? Indeed it was," moaned the man.

"It's my wife's first husband!"

A husband and wife were involved in a petty argument, both of
them unwilling to admit they might be in error.

"I'll admit I'm wrong," the wife told her husband in a conciliatory
attempt, "if you'll admit I'm right."

He agreed and, like a gentleman, insisted she go first.

"I'm wrong," she said.

With a twinkle in his eye, he responded, "You're right!"

There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after
surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side.

His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he
fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed
by his side.

A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said "You're
cute!" Well, the wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful"
it was "cute."

She said, "What happened to 'beautiful'?"

His reply was "The drugs are wearing off!"