I pulled into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador retriever had fresh air. She was stretched out on the back seat, and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying
emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay!"

The driver of a nearby car gave me a startled look. "I don't know about you, lady," he said incredulously. "But I usually
just put my car in park."

Our young daughter had adopted a stray cat. To my distress, he began to use the back of our new sofa as a scratching post. "Don't worry," my husband reassured me. "I'll have him trained in no time."

I watched for several days as my husband patiently "trained" our new pet. Whenever the cat scratched, my husband deposited him outdoors to teach him a lesson.

The cat learned quickly. For the next 16 years, whenever he wanted to go outside, he scratched the back of the sofa.

It seems the US Federal Aviation Administration (FAA) has a unique device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. The device is a gun that launches a dead chicken at a plane's windshield at approximately the speed the plane flies.The theory is that if the windshield doesn't crack from the carcass impact, it'll survive a real collision with a bird during flight. It seems the British were very interested in this and wanted to test a windshield on a brand new, speedy locomotive they're developing.They borrowed the FAA's chicken launcher, loaded the chicken and fired.

I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist when early in the morning I received a call from his office: I had been rescheduled for early that morning at 9:30AM.

I had just packed everyone off to work and school and it was around 8:45.

The trip to his office usually took about 35 minutes so I didn't have any time to spare.

-- Gosh, you're lucky. I sure wish men could experience the miracle of childbirth.

-- Do you think the baby will come before Monday Night Football starts?

-- I hope your ready. The Glamour Shot photographer will be here in fifteen minutes.

-- If you think this hurts, I should tell you about the time I twisted my ankle playing basketball.

-- That was the kids on the phone. Did you have anything planned for dinner?

-- When you lay on your back, you look like a python that swallowed a wild boar.

-- You don't need an epidural. Just relax and enjoy the moment.

It's that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test.

Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non loss of intelligence.

Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not. The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer.

OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.

1. What do you put in a toaster?

December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow
covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can
there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the
best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and
felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks.
This afternoon the snow plow came along and covered up the sidewalks
and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect
life.

December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a

The following apparently comes from a Catholic
elementary school.It could happen...

Kids were asked questions
about the Old and New Testaments. The following
statements about the Bible were written by children.
They have not been retouched or corrected (i.e.,
incorrect spelling has been left in.)....

In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got
tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark,
which animals come on to in pears.

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man
he meets, "Do you want to go to Heaven?"
The man said, "I do Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to got to Heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go
to Heaven?"

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when