A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender - "Get everyone here a drink on me, and get one for yourself too" The bartender pours a round of drinks, including one for himself, then says to the drunk "that will be $45"
The drunk said - "I don't have any money" The bartender takes the drunk outside and beats him up.
The next night the same drunk walks into the bar and says to the bartender, "Get everyone here a drink on me, and one for yourself, too."

An obnoxious drunk in a bar keeps hitting on an a lesbian waiting for her
date. The drunk just won't take no for an answer.

"Tell you what, I'll sleep with you if you can name one thing a man can do
for me that my vibrator can't!" the lesbian smirks.

The obnoxious drunk thinks for a moment. "Okay, let's see your vibrator buy
the next round of drinks!"

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls."
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"
Well, the hours passed and the champagne was going down way too
easy.

Around 3 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I
got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and
cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing he'd probably wake up, I
cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted
solution (even when smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict
with him.

From the State where drink driving is considered a sport,comes a true
story from the Sunshine Coast, Queensland. Recently a routine police
patrol parked outside a local neighbourhood tavern. Late in the
evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that
he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the car park for a few
minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an
eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to
find his car which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as

Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving
very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled
the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that
evening.

"Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads
stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then
there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these
mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o'
those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O' course I
had to go in for a couple of Guiness - couldn't be rude, ye

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from
the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all
over the road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver,
"where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink
this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms
across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out
of your car?"

You'll need the following: a cup of water, a cup of sugar,
four large eggs, two cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon of baking
soda, a teaspoon of salt, a cup of brown sugar, lemon juice,
nuts, and a bottle of whisky.

Sample the whisky to check for quality.

Take a large bowl. Check the whisky again. To be sure it is the
highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on
the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.

Make sure the whisky is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the

Late one Friday night the policeman spotted
a man driving very erratically through the
streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over
and asked him if he had been drinking that
evening.

"Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so
me and the lads stopped by the pub where I
had six or seven pints. And then there was
something called "Happy Hour" and they served
these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I
had four or five o' those. Then I had to
drive me friend Mike home and O' course I
had to go in for a couple of Guiness;
couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped

A funny story has it that, late one night, a party-goer decided
it would be best to walk home. He found a shortcut through a
poorly lit cemetery and, in the darkness, stumbled into an open
grave.

He tried to climb out but the walls were too slippery. Again and
again he fell back into the grave. Finally, in exhaustion, he
settled in a corner to wait for sunlight.

A few minutes later another man cutting through the cemetery fell
victim to the same grave. He, too, tried desperately to climb and
claw his way out, and he was equally unsuccessful.

A man asks the only other guy in the bar if he can buy him a drink.
“Of course,” comes the reply.
The first man then asks him, “Where are you from?”

“Ireland,” replies the second.

“I’m from Ireland, too! Let’s have another round, to Ireland.”

“Cheers!” replies the other, and they both toss back their drinks.

The first man asks, “Where in Ireland are you from?”

“Dublin,” comes the reply.

“I can’t believe it!” says the first man. “I’m from Dublin, too! Let’s have another
drink, to Dublin!