You'll need the following: a cup of water, a cup of sugar,
four large eggs, two cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon of baking
soda, a teaspoon of salt, a cup of brown sugar, lemon juice,
nuts, and a bottle of whisky.

Sample the whisky to check for quality.

Take a large bowl. Check the whisky again. To be sure it is the
highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on
the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.

Make sure the whisky is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the

Two confirmed bachelors sat talking. Their conversation drifted
from politics to cooking. "I got a cookbook once," said the first,
"but I could never do anything with it."

"Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?" asked the second.

"You said it! Every one of the recipes began the same way:
'Take a clean dish and....' "

On their anniversary night, the husband sat his wife sat down
in the den with her favorite magazine, turned on the soft
reading lamp, slipped off her shoes, patted and propped her
feet and announced that he was preparing dinner all
by himself. "How romantic!" she thought.

Two-and-a-half hours later, she was still waiting for dinner
to be served. She tip-toed to the kitchen and found it a
colossal mess.
Her harried husband, removing something indescribable from
the smoking oven, saw her in the doorway.
"Almost ready!" he vowed.