-- Gosh, you're lucky. I sure wish men could experience the miracle of childbirth.

-- Do you think the baby will come before Monday Night Football starts?

-- I hope your ready. The Glamour Shot photographer will be here in fifteen minutes.

-- If you think this hurts, I should tell you about the time I twisted my ankle playing basketball.

-- That was the kids on the phone. Did you have anything planned for dinner?

-- When you lay on your back, you look like a python that swallowed a wild boar.

-- You don't need an epidural. Just relax and enjoy the moment.

A man was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed
his 4-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in
the whole event. The man thought, "Great...he's 4 and I'm
gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees. No need to
jump the gun, I'll just let him ask, and I'll answer."

After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and
said, "Well son, do you have any questions?"

"Just one." gasped the still wide-eyed lad. "How fast was that
calf going when he hit that cow?"

Every ten seconds, somewhere on this earth, there is a woman giving birth
to a child. She must be found and stopped.