A bear walked into a bar and sat down. He banged on the bar with his paw and demanded a beer.

The bartender approached and said, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings, Montana."

The bear, becoming angry, once again demanded a beer.

The bartender again told him, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings, Montana."

The bear, very angry now, said, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."

The bartender once again said, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings Montana."

A man walks into a bar with a giraffe. He walks up to the bar and takes a seat, the giraffe does the same. The man orders a beer for himself and a double scotch for the giraffe. They both proceed to drink and after a while they order the same again. They continue all night, ordering the same drinks, drinking them and ordering another load untill suddenly the giraffe falls off his stool and lies unconscious on the floor.

A man goes to a bar with his dog.

He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink.

The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!"

The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog."

"Oh man,” the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.

Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua.

The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog."

A man sits alone in a far corner of a bar, quietly drinking for about three hours. Suddenly, he jumps up and shouts for all to hear, "All lawyers are assholes!"

He sits back down, intending to finish his drink. Soon, though, a huge, husky fellow approaches him and proceeds to pummel him mercilessly, leaving him lying on the floor in a heap.

As the husky man is leaving the bar, the bartender says to him, "I suppose you're a lawyer?"

The husky man replies, "No, I'm an asshole!"

Three vampires walk into a bar. The first one says, "I'll have a pint of blood."

The second one says, "I'll have one, too."

The third one says, "I'll have a pint of plasma."

The bartender says, "So, that'll be two Bloods and a Blood Lite?"

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender - "Get everyone here a drink on me, and get one for yourself too" The bartender pours a round of drinks, including one for himself, then says to the drunk "that will be $45"
The drunk said - "I don't have any money" The bartender takes the drunk outside and beats him up.
The next night the same drunk walks into the bar and says to the bartender, "Get everyone here a drink on me, and one for yourself, too."

A guy walks into a bar with a dachshund under his arm. The dog is wearing a Jets jersey helmet and is holding Jets pom poms.

The bartender says,"Hey! No pets allowed in here! You'll have to leave!"

The man begs, "Look I'm desperate. We're both big fans, my TV is broken, and this is the only place we can see the game!"

After securing a promise that the dog will behave and warning him that if there is any trouble they will be thrown out, the bartender relents and allows them to stay in the bar and watch the game.

A duck goes into a bar, and asks the bartender, "Got lunch?"
The bartender replies, "We don't serve lunch in here."
The duck leaves.

Next day, the same duck goes into the same bar, and asks the bartender, "Got lunch?"
The bartender, looking stern, replies, "Look, I told you yesterday we don't serve lunch in here. I'm telling you today, we DO NOT serve lunch here. If you ask me again, I'm going to nail your webbed feet to the bar. Now leave!"

Next day, the same duck goes into the same bar, and asks the bartender, "Got nails?"
The bartender replies, "No, we don't have any nails."

A duck goes into a bar, and asks the bartender, "Got lunch?"
The bartender replies, "We don't serve lunch in here."
The duck leaves.

Next day, the same duck goes into the same bar, and asks the bartender, "Got lunch?"
The bartender, looking stern, replies, "Look, I told you yesterday we don't serve lunch in here. I'm telling you today, we DO NOT serve lunch here. If you ask me again, I'm going to nail your webbed feet to the bar. Now leave!"

Next day, the same duck goes into the same bar, and asks the bartender, "Got nails?"
The bartender replies, "No, we don't have any nails."