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A very dirty little fellow came in from playing in the yard
and asked his mother, "Who am I?"

Ready to play the game she said, "I don't know! Who are you?"

"WOW!" cried the child. "Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I
was so dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognize me!"

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a
felony trial. It went like this:

Q: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A: No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the
description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q: Officer, who provided this description?
A: The officer who responded to the scene.

Q: A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called
offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A: Yes sir, with my life.

Q: WITH YOUR LIFE? Let me ask you this then officer -- do you have

Two tourists were driving through Nova Scotia. As they were approaching
Tatamagouche, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the name.
They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood
at the counter, one tourist asked the employee," Before we order, could
you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where
we are...very slowly?"

The blonde leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrr ..... gerrrrrr
........ Kiiiing!

Deciding to take up jogging, the middle-aged man was astounded by
the wide selection of jogging shoes available at the local sports
shoe store. While trying on a basic pair of jogging shoe, he noticed
a minor feature and asked the clerk about it.

"What's this little pocket thing here on the side for?"

"Oh, that's to carry spare change so you can call your wife to come
pick you up when you've jogged too far."

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, 'Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.'

'What do you mean?' said the pirate, 'I feel fine.'

Bartender: 'What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.'

Pirate: 'Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now.'

Bartender: 'Well, okay, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?'

Pirate: 'We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off so I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really.'

Paddy Murphy was sent on his way to Heaven.

Upon his arrival, a concerned St Peter met Paddy at the Pearly Gates.

'I'm sorry Paddy' St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'

'That's alright' said Paddy. 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'

'Just 3 Questions' said St Peter.

'Which are?' asked Paddy.

St Peter said,
'The 1st question is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice
in reviving her husband's libido.

"What about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor.

"Not a chance," she said. "He won't even take an
aspirin."

"Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Give him an 'Irish
Viagra'. It's
when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste
it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went."

It wasn't a week later when she called the Doctor, who directly
inquired as to her progress The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith,

And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and
spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so man would
live a long and healthy life.

But Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the
double cheeseburger. And McDonald's said to man, "You want fries
with that?" And man said "Supersize them" and man gained pounds.

And God said, "Try my fresh salad."

But Satan created ice cream. And man gained pounds.

And God said, I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive
oil with which to cook them. "

I am a very nervous flyer. During a trip from California to Indiana,
it didn't help that my connecting flight from Denver was delayed
twice because of mechanical problems. Then, after we were aloft,
I noticed the lights began flickering. I mentioned this to a flight
attendant. "I'll take care of it," she said. Moments later the lights
went out. Clearly she'd solved the problem by turning off the lights.

A passenger across the aisle who had been listening leaned over and
said, "Whatever you do, please don't ask about the engines."